My Dull Life
Monday, September 30, 2002
I was going to order the book, "The Power of Positive Thinking," but then I
thought, what's the use?
Thursday, September 26, 2002
I had a coworker greet me this morning with, "Just the man I wanted to
see!" I don't get a lot of that.
He handed me a catalog with glossy pages that showed pictures of
chocolates, Santa Claus candles and wrapping paper. His daughter's
school was having a fundraiser.
I said I couldn't really find anything that especially appealed to me. He said
it didn't matter. Just as long as my order added up to $15 or more.
Friday, September 20, 2002
I got a note from my Secret Pal at work today.
I'm your Secret Pal. You haven't heard from me up until now because I've
been spending a lot of time trying to exchange your name for somebody
else's. They wouldn't let me do it. So, rather than go through the motions
like I'm a pal of yours, secret or not, I've decided to resign from the
program. I feel good about this decision. I hope you appreciate my
They should have a policy where you can only get a name of sombody you
don't know. I think that would be your best bet for next year.
There will be no more communications.
Sunday, September 15, 2002
I guess I made some kind of mistake today driving because a woman in a
white minivan rolled down her window and screamed at me saying, "Who
do you think you are?!"
My window was rolled up and I couldn't roll it down so I mouthed "I don't
know" nice and slow and big so she would get it.
I don't like to be yelled at.
The day before yesterday I was riding my bike and a woman at a stoplight
yelled at me for not wearing a helmut. She yelled at me saying it was the
law and I could be fined and I could have an accident and get brain
damage. "You don't want to get brain damage, do you?"
I acknowledged that I knew I should have a helmut and that she made
good sense but I did this by nodding and she took it to mean, "Yes I want
to have brain damage."
That made her angry but it also made her laugh and then the light changed
and as she drove away she made an open hand gesture that sliced the air
and wasn't friendly.
Thursday, September 12, 2002
I saw my dental missionary hygenist yesterday. Gum diseases is hell.
Dental hygene is true salvation. Flossing glorifies God. I hear it every time I
come in. I don't floss much so I get a big, impassioned lecture. But this
time it was different.
She didn't give me her big lecture. Instead, when the time came to talk to
me about home care, she just sighed. It was like, "Go to hell. Get gum
disease. It's no use. It doesn't matter any more. I give up. I should have
given up a long time ago. You don't floss. You'll never floss. You are a
nonflosser. I've said everthing there is to say and I have repeated it over
and over and over. But no more. Just do what you want. You will anyway. I
just don't care. Floss, don't floss. So what? Do whatever. I don't care."
The receptionist asked her to lock up. She said OK. I heard the receptionist
switch off some lights.
The dental hygenist finished with me, said goodbye, and she gave me a
plastic bag which I guess has a toothbrush in it and stuff. I don't know. I
haven't opened it yet.
Tuesday, September 10, 2002
I decided to go in and see the boss about something so I tucked in my
shirt before I entered his office..
I thought I was just tucking it in to my pants but it went inside my
underpants. It's supposed to go between your pants and your underpants.
I wasn't thinking.
My underpants worked their way up past my navel. When I wear my shirt
out, which is most of the time, it hides my underpants when they do that.
But this time, my underpants weren't hidden by my shirt because, like I
said, my shirt was inside my underpants.
But I don't think my boss noticed. He was on the phone and eating a
sandwich and all said to me was "no."
Saturday, August 31, 2002
I was walking downtown last night and I went into Nuncio's which is a
place where they sell tobacco products, racing forms and out-of-town
newspapers that come as far away as Argentina. They also sell lots of
different kinds of magazines and even some sandwiches for those people
who would buy a sandwich in a place like that. I went in to buy a candy bar,
an Almond Joy, and I was going to thumb through the classifed section of
Soldier of Fortune but all of a sudden, everybody just stopped what they
In walked a blonde in a white fur coat and high heels. She had on dark
glasses and she had a dog with her, a little dog, the same color as her
Nuncio would take your money and give you change without looking up but
this time he looked up and waited to see if the lady would speak to him
which she did. I saw Nuncio's lower teeth which I had never seen before.
They were like baby teeth, only yellow.
Outside there was a limosine double parked. The driver was in uniform
and he stood beside it in the street.
The blonde walked right up to Nunico, looked him in the eye and said, "I
would like to buy your best cigar."
Everybody then looked at Nuncio. He looked like he didn't understand.
Then he looked down at the counter display case and pointed to a cigar in
a see-through plastic cylinder.
"That's a good one."
"I want to buy your BEST cigar," she said. Nuncio looked up at her and I
saw his teeth again.
Her limo was blocking traffic but I didn't hear any honking.
"They're all pretty good, I mean, in their own way. How about this one?"
said Nuncio, pointing to another one.
"Is that your best? It doesn't matter how much it costs."
Nuncio's fat lower lip assumed its normal position. "This one. Right here."
Some of us looked at each other. Others leaned to one side to see if they
could make out exactly what he was pointing to.
"Fine. I'll take it." She motioned to the driver who came in to pay for it.
She and her little dog and the cigar and the driver swept out the door and
they were gone.
All of us went back to doing what we were doing, which seemed kind of
strange, I don't know why, but I guess there was not a whole lot else for us
I was on the corner down the block waiting for a bus when I saw an
enormus black woman walk across the street to a little green area
between apartment complexes. She was carrying two gallon milk jugs
which were full of water. She had only two or three teeth but they were large
and very white. She plopped down on the grass. Every now and then she'd
take a huge swig of water.
My bus didn't show so I decided to walk back home. As I passed by, she
spoke to me. As a reflex, I stopped to listen. She said, "I'm going to sit right
here and drink all of this water!"
I just nodded to indicate I thought that was a good plan.
She took another deep swig as I went on my way.
Monday, August 26, 2002
I'm not linking to Instapundit until they link to me first.
Some guy linked to it and got an.email from a woman and one thing led to
another and now they're getting married.
So far, the only email I've gotten is from a guy named Mel who had
something to say about rat poison and an email from Adam Felber which I
didn't understand. And a lot of spam, of course.
I wouldn't marry anybody because of an email. Not unless the email was
really, really good. But what are the chances of that?
Saturday, August 24, 2002
I bought my dog a rawhide bone because the vet says he needs to chew
on something. He's got bad teeth too.
But all my dog did was bury it and it cost me $6.95.
Two weeks passed and the bone was still buried. I thought, maybe my dog
forgot where he buried it.
So, I took my dog out to the backyard and pointed to the site. My dog had no
idea what I was talking about. I started digging it up and my dog just
walked away. I brought my dog back to show him the bone but he didn't
want anything to do with it. He looked at me as if to say, "You ruined
Wednesday, August 14, 2002
I'm not the Robert Wright who wrote The Moral Animal.
I thought I better just come out and say that.
And he's not me either, I might add.
If the coffee isn't fresh, then it's free.
They say nothing in life is free. They're wrong. Old, stale coffee.
Tuesday, August 13, 2002
My GPS isn't working. The little graphic of where I'm supposed to be turned
into a blinking question mark.
I mean, I hope it isn't working.
Monday, August 12, 2002
I remember when I was in 5th grade and I collected for UNICEF on
I don't think they do that anymore.
One woman was about to put a couple quarters in my milk carton but her
husband stopped her and asked to see my credentials. All I had was the
red piece of paper that said UNICEF wrapped around the milk carton. They
gave me the money anyway but I could tell they felt a little uneasy about it.
On the next street over I went to a house where a retarded boy lived. He
was not only retarded but he was crippled. I guess that's why he wasn't
going door to door. They had him give out the candy.
I said I was collecting for UNICEF. The boy looked at my little milk carton
and smiled at me like I was retarded. He put in a tootsie roll pop, head
first. I said thank you and I left.
Friday, August 09, 2002
I told myself that I would never do this again but I did it just now.
When you catch a fly, don't open your hand to see if it's there.
Of course, if it's not there, I don't know what you're supposed to do.
So, is anybody going to take Charlton Heston's guns away from him now?
I got an email from a guy in Nigeria, Dr. Chinadu Ebu, who's the son of the
ex-minister of finance. They are going through some upheaval over there
and I don't understand the particulars but he wanted me to let him deposit
his family fortune in my bank account until things cooled down or until he
could relocate in the U.S. If I would do that, hold on to his money for a bit,
he'd give me a percentage as a token of his appreciation. He trusts me
that I won't take the whole thing or maybe he didn't think about that. I
wouldn't, though. So, I wrote him back and said heck yes I'd do it.
A month has gone by and I haven't heard from Dr. Ebu. I sent a couple of
follow-ups, but still, nothing. Maybe things got really, really bad over there
and he just ran out of time.
I wonder how a civil servant amassed such a huge fortune in the first
place. Probably real estate.
I don't like to comment on the news much.
There were those nine miners that got out safely and those twins that got
seperated. Some other stuff is happening about Iraq and I think Cher
But I have to say something about those people who fell into a shark tank.
Did you hear about that? Maybe you didn't because nobody got eaten.
Well, these people were walking over a shark tank and they all fell in.
How about that?
I was thinking about how things were different a long time ago. Johnny
Carson would say something that maybe had something to do with a
woman's breasts or her breast size, just maybe, and Ed McMann would
laugh really loud because he was thinking the same thing. And then
Johnny would say something else that didn't have anything to do with it, but
since they were both laughing about breasts, they thought about how it did
have something to do with breasts, and they laughed some more.
I grew up thinking that just about anything you say might have something to
do with something you could laugh at.
I remember laughing a lot, many times, just in case.
I drove by the park and saw about 100 little kids playing soccer. They all
had nice uniforms.
When I was a kid, we didn't have soccer. We heard about soccer from the
Spanish teacher on Culture Day. The thing about soccer is you can't use
One day my P.E. teacher divided the class in two teams and we played
soccer. Nobody ever played it before. I kicked the ball away from this big,
ugly kid whose whole body smelled like cigarettes. The P.E teacher
thought that was really funny and laughed like a horse. As soon as the P.E.
teacher stopped laughing and looked some place else, that big, ugly kid
used his hands on me.
I don't like soccer.
I got an email from my sister. She said my photo is too big.
Thursday, August 08, 2002
I got email from Adam Felber.
He tells me that nothing combats loneliness like picking up a hobby that is
practiced at home, in silence.
I don't know if he's being funny or just mean.